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Advice Column Lifestyle

Being Grateful

February 23, 2018

Gratitude is defined as “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” Dictionary.com

I saw a quote by David Bednar about gratitude. He stated that “a grateful person is rich in contentment.” For me, this quote got me thinking about those two words and how I apply them in my life.

See, I am grateful for many things in my life.  To be honest, I don’t have any problem coming up with a huge list!

  1. Who isn’t grateful for a roof over their head?! Well, I am surely grateful for this one. There are so many people that are homeless and fight to find shelter every day.
  2. I am grateful for an amazing husband that loves me, is a hard worker, and provides for his family. Because of this hard working man, I have food to eat, clothes to wear, the ability to pay our bills and save for our future.
  3. I am grateful for my ability to walk freely with a healthy body because there is someone out there that is unable to walk, speak, hear, see, or they are fighting a disease that just might take their life.

Contentment is defined as “the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind. Dictionary.com

I hate to admit any of this part, but I am not content with certain things in my life right now. Yes, I am content for not needing more material things to be happy and being grateful for my list above, but it’s a challenge every day to be at peace.

I guess the important part to remember is that I am human and finding a way to accomplish that internal peace may take time, but I will continue to do the best I can with what I have.

Do you struggle with gratitude and contentment? Let me know your thoughts.  I would love to hear from you!

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Advice Column Health & Fitness Lifestyle

Fitness Journey ~ Tracking your Food

January 17, 2018

I am sure that many of you on your fitness journey get some crazy comments or questions. I frequently get.. “Why track your food?; that seems too much work. Plus, live a little, would ya? Like a hamburger is going to hurt you!

So, I pose questions to those individuals. Do you watch your bank accounts, your 401K, your IRA, your expenses or taxes deductions? Do you know what is being taken out your paychecks each pay period or with your investments?

Well, I consider myself an investment. Tracking my numbers allows me to have profits (muscle gain, fat loss, increase stamina, restful night sleep) and manage my losses (fat gain, muscle loss, fatigue or other medical issues). Fine tuning my food intake, understanding which food fuels me better and creating fitness challenges is like smart money management that yields a big return and enables you to pursue the retirement of your dreams.

Marcus Lemonis of the Profit believes in the three Ps; People, Process, and Product. I surround myself with like minded people that inspire me to keep my dream alive without judgment or criticism. The process is the hard work (watching your macros and working out) and the product is my health, my stamina, and how I feel in my mind, body and spirit.

Here is a few quotes from Marcus that I have on my vision board to remind me to keep going and trust the process.

“If you don’t know your numbers, you don’t know your business.”

“If you’re not evolving, you’re dying.”

“At the end of the day, numbers don’t lie.”

“Performance is the best way to shut people up.”

If you are interested in how to start tracking your food, there are many food count apps that will help you. I use My FitnessPal.com, Carlorieking.com and all can be easily found on the internet or in your Apps locator on your phone or Ipad.

Want to find someone to help you understand and guide you through that process? There are many registered dietitians and nutritionists ready to help. I work with my personal trainer, Kandace Platts, who offers nutrition consulting through Diet Doc. Right now, I have challenged myself with Diet Doc’s 3 month program. I am learning quite a bit about planning my meals and knowing my numbers. To find out more about her services, you can connect with her through her website, http://thedietdochaverhill.com.

Note: I do not get any kick backs for my mentioning my trainer or the Diet Doc system. This is merely based on my experience.

Thank you for reading. Let me know how you feel about tracking your food or how your fitness journey is going! Comment below or send me an email. I would love to hear from ya.

 

 

 

 

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Advice Column Household Lifestyle

How to start the New Year off right?

January 8, 2018

Around the world, everyone is wondering how they will begin 2018. They will reflect on all of their past resolutions that never happened, the 2017 elections, constant media of natural disasters, child neglect, animal abuse and much more.

For me, I try to focus new goals, look on how I can reduce my anxiety in my own mind and home along with giving back to my community even more. Here are a few things that I do to start my new year that might help you turn things around and begin this 2018 with a bang.

  1. Create a vision board. I create a vision board. One side has all the things that I want to accomplish. I cut out words, pictures or ideas and place them on the goal side. Once I have completed those goals, I moved them to the other side of the board, Accomplished! Then, at the end of the year, I have something tangible to look at; something, visually, that says I did so much.
  2. Purge. Purging your home of all the clutter will definitely help in feeling better and relaxed to accomplishing those goals. If you haven’t worn it or used it in six months or longer, please feel free to donate or throw it away. Also, purging doesn’t have to be exclusive to your home. You can clean out those emails, junk mail boxes, unsubscribe to all those digital subscriptions that you haven’t or don’t have time to read and unfriend, unfollow or unlike anything that might not be in tuned to your new goals.
  3. Financial Goals. While I purge and clean my home, I create better systems to ensure that I pay my bills on time. I make sure that my credit report is up-to-date and doesn’t have any errors. I can request a free credit report yearly. Yes, I know that you can purchase a credit report through many online credit reporting agencies and have monthly monitoring but why pay $40 dollars for something that you can get for free! Additionally, I review my expenses. If I am paying for any subscriptions electronically that automatically renew, I update my renew dates and modify any auto renew settings to ensure that I don’t forget. Many companies look forward to you forgetting about what is being charged on your credit card. Lastly, life hiccups can hit us at any time. That is why it is so important to have some type of emergency fund, a retirement fund or long term savings plan. I save to maximize my IRA contributions, be ready for that unexpected emergency and that day that I can retire in a new home on the beach. The new trend should be being in the black not the red; Debt free is the new BMW.
  4. Take care of yourself. The one thing that I have noticed about myself is that when I don’t take time for me; I become extremely distracted and unmotivated to accomplish anything. I make sure to incorporate time in my schedule for getting a haircut or my nails done, talking to life coach, scheduling those yearly checkups with my physician, going to the gym and even having a date night with my husband.  All of these little moments are what keeps me from becoming overwhelmed, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself and start your new year on the right foot!

Let me know how you start your new year. Please feel free to email or comment below.

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Advice Column

Ask Ms. Deborah ~ Girls don’t chase boys.

November 27, 2017

Dear Ms. Deborah,

I have a wonderful, brilliant daughter but there is one thing that drives me nuts; chasing boys. How do I stress to her not to chase boys? I keep telling her that courting is an art form that is lost among boys or men today. Her response is that I am old school and times have changed.

Deeply Frustrated,

A Devoted Mom

 

Dear Devoted Mom,

Although I don’t have a girl, I do feel your frustration. As a mother of a son, I would try so hard to teach him how to court a girl and he would look at me like I had three heads. He would say all the time that it sounds like too much work. For example, opening a door or car door didn’t even come close to happening. Mind you, he did it for me but he would say that girls don’t want it and of course, he gave up. On one particular date, he described how he would get to the girl’s front door of her home, she would run pass him to get to the car, hop in and say, “Let’s go!”

Today’s dating trends are so hard to understand but teaching your daughter that she is much more important than what the world is throwing at her as a standard for the moment. With that said, here are a few ways to throw in a conversation about dating and how it includes her.

Chase your dreams; Never boys

Girls are so much more mature than boys anyways. Reminding your daughter that boys are great companions but never needed to make her life great. It is important for her to find herself first, accomplish all those goals, explore and travel the world and then when ready, open her heart to find that perfect match. Every daughter must understand that they are a great catch and when it comes to the matters of their heart, patience is a virtue.

Capture their heart; Not their attention

When girls chase boys, they don’t work as hard to talk, write special notes or coordinate those amazing dates. I am not saying that girls shouldn’t socialize or start a conversation with a boy, but there is nothing wrong with setting a standard of how they are going to develop a friendship that just might lead to something greater and long lasting. Dating is a way of building a friendship. Friendship leads to romance and then to a long, lasting marriage.

Communication; Not Texting

 Texting is the new form of communicating and dating. I have seen many couples out on a date that are continually on their phones texting friends and to each other! Although texting is a tool for quick and easy conversation and checking in, it does not replace face to face conversation. Texting is not meant to workout arguments or make life decisions with each other. Your daughter should understand that dating includes conversations and life experiences.

I hope my thoughts on dating helps you. Please feel free to reconnect with any updates. I would love to hear from you.

 

 

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Advice Column Lifestyle

Setting Personal Boundaries

August 4, 2017

Wait one cotton-picking minute!

In the South, this phrase has been known to be a polite, ice breaker in difficult conversations or when putting a stop to any nonsense which leads to my topic for today, setting personal boundaries.

I received an email from a viewer of my site that wanted advice on establishing boundaries. Well, I explained that I might not be the best person to advise her on this particular topic because I am still trying to master it, myself.

On my wedding day, I had the privilege to have a wonderful man raise a toast and give the sweetest, most inspirational speech about making deposits and not withdrawals in the marriage. I feel that this speech outlines everything you need to know in any relationship. See, deposits are being kind, thoughtful, understanding and expressing tenderness or gratitude in your marriage or relationship account. Withdrawals are checks of negativity, hurtfulness, infidelity and the list could go on. You never want a negative transaction to take over your marriage or relationship account, because it will overdraft or end it.

Over the years, I have experienced enough one-sided relationships that have taken a toll on me emotionally, physically and financially. Because of these experiences, I developed anxiety and experience many panic attacks with certain situations or individuals. With that said, developing and maintaining a healthy boundary and encircling yourself with like-minded people is vital for your health and well-being.

Here’s a few ways to start building a boundary…

  1. Put yourself first. It’s so important to know and understand what your limits are and to give yourself permission to think about yourself first. This action alone will make you a better wife, mother or friend.
  2. Direct and Clear Communication. Some people are pretty open to communication on boundaries and respect it. Others may give you a little push back. Boundaries are healthy and a sign of self-respect. You can’t own their response and must not feel guilty for communicating it.
  3. Seek Support. If you don’t know how to begin to develop a boundary, you might want to find a therapist, support group, church or good friends to give you some pointers on where to begin.

I hope my response provides some comfort and insight into building better boundaries and maintaining them. Thank you so much for connecting with me and feel free to email me anytime.

 “Your personal boundaries protect the inner core

of your identity and your right to choices.”

 ~ Gerard Manley Hopkins

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Advice Column Lifestyle

When Friendships Come & Go

July 19, 2017

Friend (noun) – one attached to another by affection or esteem; one that is not hostile; one that is of the same nation, party or group; a favored companion. Merriam-Webster

I truly believe that our life is ever evolving. As one chapter closes, the opportunity to begin a new chapter is right around the corner. Over the past 30 years, I have come across some amazing people that, to this day, have left a lasting impression of genuine warmth, love and kindness. With that said, I have meant some people that I thought were my friends and have been the complete opposite; to the point of being painfully heart breaking. The reason for my heartbreak was because my expectations were set high and in there, lies the disappointment.

There are many reasons why friendships change or fade away.  Of course, change can be somewhat of a good thing or extremely painful but the only way to uncover your life’s new adventure is to experience it.

Two Many States Away

When you are no longer within a comfortable distance to get together, it can put a kink in your relationship. Those wonderful girl dates is what keeps the relationship fresh and bonded.

New Job, Marriage, Babies and More

Again, life is ever evolving. Friends have so many things to accomplish in their lives. Marriage, babies, promotions and all of this things will change the dynamic of a friendship. For some, it will unleash a wealth of emotions that are welcoming and then, there are those emotions that will challenge the friendship.

It’s one sided.

I have experienced the one-sided friendship. I stay connected by making calls, remembering birthdays/anniversaries, sending cards and letters, and for me, I was left feeling that I am the only one that is invested in this friendship.

“People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” ~ Michelle Ventor

I try not to reflect on the pain of saying goodbye or ending a friendship, but reflect back on my many memories and the lessons that I have learned from each of them.

Today, it is safe to say that I have some very cool friends. I am very blessed to have such beautiful people in my life. Each of them brings kindness, honesty, warmth, safety, and challenge me to step outside my comfort zone. For those reasons and many more, I am so grateful.

“Some People come into our lives and quickly go.

 Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts,

 and we are never, ever the same.” ~ Flavia Weedn

Have you struggled with a change in your friendship? Have you been going through a rough patch or been ghosted and don’t know why? Please comment or send me an email. I would love to hear from you.

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Advice Column

Ask Ms. Deborah – Finding My Passion

June 30, 2017

Dear Ms. Deborah,

I am at a road block. I want so desperately to find a job that I’m passionate about. No matter how hard that I try, I can’t seem to find that one thing that drives me to get up every day and pays enough for me to live comfortably.  Do you have any ideas on how I can figure out my passion?

Sincerely,

Extremely Confused

 

Merriam-Webster defines passion as “intense, driving or overmastering feeling or conviction”.

Everyday people are trying to figure “it” out. What is it that I want to do for the rest of my life? People are hanging in limbo focusing on trying to find that one thing they are passionate about and make them happy. Honestly, I think that many people go about finding their passion the wrong way.

Our minds can be our worse enemy by over analyzing everything. Well, even for me, a lot of time and energy is wasted with all of that mind trash.  I truly believe that people can have more than one calling and enjoy life to the fullest.

With that said, here are my suggestions on finding your passion:

  1. Mediate – Being still and quieting your mind can push aside all the noise, thoughts and emotions so you can open your heart to finding what truly makes your happy.
  2. Journal and write down a list of your skills – By writing a list of what you can do, you can find out what you hate and what you love. Note, you can do more than one thing. It’s better to have options. It keeps life interesting, because boring is out of the question.
  3. Let go of any fear – As you may know, fear can prevent you from accomplishing your goal. When you come to a moment of fear, write down everything about that fear on a piece of paper. Then write out a plan to overcome it. Taking steps, even baby steps, is moving forward!
  4. Be enthusiastic with everything you do – Being enthusiastic about everything you touch creates a wonderful habit and opens up opportunities. Nobody likes a whiny, oh poor me person hanging around them.
  5. Stop talking and start doing – Now that you have a plan, it is important to take the steps and don’t stop. That is where the passion comes in. When you have that “intense, driving or overmastering feeling or conviction”, nothing will stop you from achieving your goals.
  6. Not everyone will understand your vision – You don’t have to explain your dreams or justify your actions to anyone, because it is not their path. It is important to surround yourself with individuals that will help stay focused and push you towards your goals.

I hope this helps. Stay in touch and let me know how you are doing.

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Advice Column Dog Training

Ask Ms. Deborah – Dog Cues

June 20, 2017

Dear Ms. Deborah,

I am trying to teach my dog some commands. My husband says that I using the wrong words for what I am asking our dog to do. For example, I am using down to get off the furniture. My husband thinks that I should say “off”. In order to settle this argument, what are some of your words that you have used to train your dog?

Sincerely,

Newbie at Dog Training

Dear Newbie,

One, I would like to say thank you for taking the time to work and bond with your dog. I think that it is awesome that you are setting your dog up for success by teaching him some manners. As far as words, it is whatever you want them to be. However, I will list some of the words that I use and why I use those particular ones.

  1. Off – I use this word to teach my dog to stay off me, furniture or anything that my dog is on.
  2. Down – I use this word to place my dog in a down position.
  3. Lay – This words means for my dog to lay on its side. I never use Lay or Down together.
  4. Show me – This cue means for my dog to roll over and show his stomach.
  5. Wait – This means wait for a minute. For example, I use this cue when I am at the top of the stairs and want to walk or bring something down without my dog knocking me over to get to the bottom of the stairs first. When I am at the bottom of the stairs, I will say my “release” word and he is free to come down the stairs.
  6. Stay – Stay means exactly that. If I place my dog in a stay position, he can’t move until I come back  to him to “release” him from that stay.
  7. Release – This word means to my dog that he is are all done with my request and free to do whatever he wants.

I hope this helps you and your husband. Let me know how your training sessions are going.  Please feel free to comment below or private message me.

 

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Advice Column Dog Training

Ask Ms. Deborah – How to stop dogs from jumping?

May 3, 2017

Dear Ms. Deborah,

I saw that you offer dog training advice so I am wondering if you can help me with my dog jumping on everyone. How do I get this big lug to stop jumping on me or my family? When anyone comes in the door or visits, my husband thinks it is funny and encourages it when he comes home.

 Sincerely, Frustrated Wife

Dear Frustrated Wife,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this exuberant greeting from your dog, but it is not uncommon. Dogs jump up for many reasons. One, it is a form of greeting and if rewarded, it will continue. Two, if the dog adds in licking of the face, it is offering a peacemaking behavior and hoping someone will regurgitated their food. As gross as this sounds, it’s a win for him.

Before I begin on the steps of how to train your dog to stop jumping, you will need to express the importance to all of your family of why it shouldn’t take place. If anything was to happen to a small child or to grandma, all of you would be heart broken. You can explain to your husband that your buddy can continue to jump up but only when given permission to do so.

How to train your dog to stop jumping?

  1. Don’t make a big deal coming or going from your home. Raise your hand, come on! I know that all of you have come in the front or back door all excited, talking in that high pitched baby voice getting your buddy all worked up and BAM, the jump. For me, it is best to come in the home quietly and calmly. This type of entry reduces the excitement at the door.
  1. Ignoring the behavior you don’t want and redirecting to a behavior you do want. I highly encourage you to watch your dog closely. He will give you a cue of when he is going to jump. If he does jump up, turn your back and don’t encourage it. When he offers four paws on the floor, reward with either a small treat or your attention, calmly. Also, if you have small children coming home from school, please help them get in the door and assist them in training the correct behavior.
  1. Manage the dog and his environment. As you and your immediate family practice the new ground rules and begin to teach Fido what is expected now, it is important that friends and extended family understand the importance too. Don’t allow your dog to practice the behavior ever. Because the more he practices it, the better he will get at it. You will have people constantly trying to booger up your training by saying that they don’t mind the dog jumping up, but stay the course.
  1. Tips and Tricks. You can ask friends and family to call or text before coming over so you can manage your dog’s success. It is important to have control of your dog at all times. A leash is a great way to have that control. If you feel that your dog will be unsuccessful greeting people at the door at this stage of his training, you can place him into a secure area until all of the excitement at the door has calmed down.  At that time, you can leash and calmly walk him over to greet all of those wonderful people.
  1. What not to do! This is the part that I beg that you don’t get frustrated. Adding excitement to the situation will only make it worse. Please don’t knee him to the chest, yell, punch, push or cause any other pain to your dog. I have seen many people use alternative methods and it will make your dog become terrified of you and never really learn the behavior that you are asking for in the first place.

If you dog has any other behaviors such as growling or biting with the jumping, I highly recommend you working with a dog trainer that specializes in behavior modification.

 

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Advice Column

Ask Ms. Deborah – Managing a Possible Layoff

April 7, 2017

Dear Ms. Deborah,

 It is likely that I will get laid off in the next two months. What can I do to prepare?

 Sincerely,

Hopefully Not

 Dear Hopefully Not,

I am so sorry to hear that you feel this event is coming upon you quickly. However, there are many ways to prepare for this event. It’s time to do a little low under the radar ground work to ensure that you are prepared for this day by doing the following:

  1. Know your benefits. This would be a great time to review all of your vacation and sick days along with any other benefits to ensure you and your employer are on the same page upon your departure. Also, when you are prepare, it makes negotiating your severance package much easier. Lastly, if you have a 401k with the company, please make sure you know how to login to their portal to review your assets in preparation to transfer those investments when that time comes.
  2. Start saving even more now. You should have a savings account with at least 8 to 10 months of your monthly salary.
  3. Re-examine your lifestyle and budget. This would be a great time to really look at your spending, sticking to a budget and see if there is any expenses that you need to cut at this time.
  4. Get rid of debt. If you can pay down some or eliminate debt, this would be a great time to do it while you have your current income.
  5. Severance package. If you are presented with a severance package/agreement, please don’t sign it right away. Please make time for yourself to review it and completely understand it. If you are unsure or have any questions regarding this agreement, please have an attorney review it for you and provide any feedback.
  6. Maximizing your unemployment benefits. When you are laid off and receive your severance package, please try to maximize your unemployment benefits and sticking with your revised budget. The severance package is your additional cushion and should not be used unless absolutely necessary.

Overall, if you are prepared financially, this will relieve any stress and will allow you to be able to focus on finding that perfect job for you.

 

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